dear aileen. love shay.

As I sit here at my computer in the wee last hours on 2024, I struggle to find the words that could ever truly express the immense loss and gratitude your presence and absence has left in my life. It feels strange writing to you knowing you will never read this, but somehow, it is comforting to let the memories flow out. It takes me back to the morning I saw the largest sunrise I ever had seen and pulled over to send to you in early morning text last October. And these memories are like a river carrying me back to all the moments we shared as friends. How blessed was I that a perfect stranger picked up the phone to talk to me about the good, bad, and ugly of this damn cancer journey. That from all the early lunches talking about scans, surgery and other fears cancer brings us would give us a unique gift of friendship and a bond that no other person in our lives could understand, but nor would we want them to.

You see each morning since you left us for the kingdom of heaven, I talk to you in great depth when I hike on Fridays to see the sunrise, as I drink my morning coffee and look over the daily Shay’s Warriors list of To-Dos. When I let my pups out at night and search for the brightest star twinkling down in a night and search for that sign you hear me say “Hey Mama how’s it really going?”

I remember your infectious laughter, the way your eyes would light up when you talked about Layne or Sloane and the strength you displayed even when the world was crumbling around you. You fought with such warrior mindset so bravely against the darkness, and even in the toughest times, you always found a way to bring a smile to my face and all those around you.

I miss our random texts or calling you when I was in the car going to an appointment leaving you a long message about Shay’s Warriors wins and losses until it cut me off, only to get a text back asking if I were okay then the flood of emoji exchanges would begin. I miss our Thursdays and Fridays of just having a moment to be restful with you and the feeling of knowing that no matter what, you were always there for me. You were more than just a friend; you were a beacon of light and love, a source of inspiration, and a constant reminder to cherish each moment in this gift of life.

It is hard to navigate this life after cancer journey without your presence. You were my person in this, and we were such a bad ass team in doing it! I know you would not want me to dwell in sadness. I know you would want me to fulfill the hopes and dreams we talked about. You taught me so much especially to embrace the beauty in the simple things, to find joy in the everyday, and to always keep fighting, even when the odds seem stacked against me.

Though your physical body is gone, your spirit lives on in the hearts of everyone who knew you. I will carry your memory with me always, and I promise to honor your legacy by living life to the fullest, just like you did shining your gift of light forever until mine dims to join you.

Thank you for being such an incredible friend. I love you more than words can say, and I will miss you always forever and a day.

with a heart full of love and grief and so much fucking gratitude,

xo shay

p.s. i love you more